Beware of Pickpockets!

“Welcome, welcome, you tremendous people! Thank you so much. You are about to witness the most magnificent show conceivable even in the most spectacular parts of your fabulous imaginations!” El Dunno, the world’s most famous organ grinder, reached into his inside pocket and took out a peanut for his monkey.

“Look! Watch his hands. Fascinating!”

While he cranked his organ, and did his spiel, the grinder’s impish primate took the goober from his master’s outstretched digits. He jumped upon his master’s shoulder then dismounted with a full somersault and twist. The chimp skipped into the center of the audience on the crowded sidewalk, doffed his fez, and approached each spectator, seeking donations.

“Isn’t he the cutest thing ever?” “I wish my kid was so talented.” “Do you think a dollar is too much?”

And so days passed. El Dunno, the most fabulously tremendous organ grinder ever to grace the Manhattan streets and his wonder chimp, El Manquee, would delight innocent tourists for up to twenty shows a day. What could be better than free, innocent entertainment? If you wanted to donate a buck or two, well, that was entirely up to you.

And so it went for eight years. Until they were replaced by a different grinder and monkey.

A few years later, on the occasion of his retirement from the rackets, Phil the Dip came clean about the whole El Dunno setup.

“You have no idea how hard it is to find a grinder who’s up to the part. You know, people think the act is the chimp, but it’s the grinder. All the time he’s cranking that organ and the monkey’s working the crowd, the grinder keeps the audience occupied with whatever nonsense pops into his noggin at the moment.

“When the chimp, El Manquee, is panhandling the tourists, El Dunno rambles on about how Santa Claus is an illegal alien. Or how every white boy in this country can grow up to be a billionaire. Or even, this is my favorite, how folks who have less than you are responsible for causing all of your problems. Including hemorrhoids or your daughter’s inability to date anyone other than a minority. The trick is to get the marks minds into a primitive haze where they are only vaguely paying attention to what’s going on around them.

“All the tourists would be lulled by El Manquee passing the fez and El Dunno chattering on and on about how life’s problems can be so simply solved.

“I ran a small crew back then.


“With so few people paying cash these days, folks tend to forget about pickpockets. Let me tell you, it’s not as easy now as it was when I started. Cash was king then, but if you know what you’re doing, you still can make a living.” Phil the Dip enjoyed talking about his former profession.

“Anyone who can create a distraction like El Dunno did is worth their weight in diamonds. I used two of my crew to fleece the crowd and a third for the drop. Tourists usually carry more cash than the average schmuck. People forget credit cards and cell phones bring a good price as well.  


“The marks couldn’t take their eyes off of El Dunno and his monkey tricks. They didn’t pay the slightest bit of attention while we robbed them blind.


“I don’t know what El Dunno is doing these days. I know the monkey died. With a spiel like his, he might have gotten into politics.”

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