Guns, Police, and Gift Bags

At the Hill Street precinct house, another shift begins.

“Settle, people, settle.” Behind his podium, a balding sergeant conducting this morning’s roll call brings the twenty-five police officers to order. “Just a couple of things to run through before you get out into today’s bright sunshine and fresh air. First off: we’re all working this weekend. Demonstrations downtown are expected. Everybody works. No exceptions.”

The sergeant waits for the grumbling to subside before continuing. “Think of it this way, you may be on the street all weekend but it’s another couple of boat payments you won’t have to worry about. Second: Officer Buntz is recovering from a bowel resection so when the cap goes around, donate generously. We’re going to get the family something nice. They’ll be suffering enough with Buntz moping around the house all the time for the next couple of weeks.

“Finally, we have a visitor. A visitor bearing gifts no less. People, listen up, allow me to introduce Ms. Jane Parker, who is here representing this precinct’s corporate partners, the National Firearms League. Ms. Parker.”

“Thank you, Sergeant. Good morning, officers. My name is Julia Parker and I’m the National Firearms district liaison for your Hill Street precinct. It’s my pleasure to be here this morning. 

“As most of you are undoubtedly aware, today marks the third anniversary of the Affordable Cop Act and our employers at the NFL would like to mark this occasion with a special gift to all of you. On your way out, my assistant, Robert, will give you each a gift bag. It’s a small token of the NFL’s appreciation of all your hard work. Included in the bag, among other items, you will  find a brand new, never been fired, Glock 19.” 

Ms. Parker takes a moment’s pause as the ripple of surprise subsided.

“I’ve been tasked with reporting to you all that percentage sales for the Hill precinct this past year have more than doubled corporate projections. A bonus check for each one of you will be transferred to your individual accounts next pay period. Congratulations one and all!”

Ms. Parker begins the applause but soon all the officers join in.

“Yes, congratulations! But today we’re starting a new sales year and I just want to remind each of you that you are the face of the National Firearms League out there on the streets. You should all remember that each time you discharge one of your brand new Glocks. We at the NFL, based on historical data, anticipate a ten percent increase in local sales for the following week each time an officer discharges their weapon in the line of duty. So, remember, if given the slightest reason, protect, serve, and fire.

“One other thing before I let you get back onto the streets. You’ve all been doing a great job as NFL public relations reps, but I want to emphasize one point. Whenever any of you are dealing with the media; television, radio, blogs, whatever, always remind the media that police officers never feel safe on the street unless they are carrying a handgun. If you can’t display the weapon to the cameras, at least put your hand near the weapon so it’s included in the frame. We want every civilian in the Hill Street precinct to know that if the cops; well trained in martial arts, self-defense, and all that; can’t feel safe unless they carry a gun, what chance does a middle aged non-combatant have unless he or she is packing too? That’s the sales pitch and it’s a winner! Guns are fun! What protects the police can protect you too!

“Thank you all!”

To polite applause Ms. Parker leaves the room and the Sergeant once again addresses his troops. “You heard it all. Pick up your new pistols on the way out. And Pearson Avenue near 5th is closed until this afternoon. Plan your patrols around it. OK, that’s it. Hit the streets.”

The officers assemble their equipment, pick up their gift bags, but before anyone can leave the room, the Sergeant speaks once again.

“Hey, let's be careful out there.”