MOST ASSUREDLY

by Peter Breschard

A man and a woman perch at opposite ends of a longish table, facing the audience. Over shoulders? From the top? They sit facing computer screens. Monitors. No doubt of Civil War fame. Keyboards.

They resume typing and waving about comptrollers. 

M Any better?

She shrugs. Both their arms wave madly in the air. (madly wave?)

W Now that’s a little better.

(2 stories. One in progress, one in prep.)

BLACKOUT

(somewhere in the rainforest of Central America, a man and a woman squat)

M You don’t want to eat any of this. (waves a chocolate bar or whatever, anybody who wants to pay can have their brand or name inserted here)

W I believe I’ve seen this movie once or twice. On occasions.  

GOODEATS

M Wait. Please. All around us here is what is saving the world. 

W The rainforest? 

H Of course. That too. (stands) Can’t you see it?

S Oh, I can see it all. Right?

H I’m not so sure that you can. Can?

W No. You wouldn’t be. (she leans back on her arms while kicking out her legs.)

M Look at all of this. (waves arms) There is more life here, within our very own line of sight, then what’s left within miles of our native landscape. More life in one cubic meter of earth then what’s left within all other planets in our solar system. Wonder in the green. 

W Yeah? (no direction needed here)

M That chocolate bar you’re eating. 

W GOODEATS

M Of course it is, GOODEATS. Have you any idea how much joy you create, enabling such help in helping to save this planet just by eating GOODEATS?

(Weather Advisory: It’s the Veronica Lake Effect Snow Job coming soon. Winds wispy yet strong.)

W I might know something. That’s a certain. (She crumples the wrapper to small ball and places it deep within the enwrapping folds of her pliable but still firm knapsack)

M Here we are in one of the most Edenic, the most life fulfilling spots in the Universe. Doesn’t it make you want to breathe it all in until you just burst? Alive, I say. Doesn’t it make you feel just so entirely, entertainingly, exhilaratingly? Alive?  

W Well, to tell the truth, I have felt worse. 

GOODEATS

M That’s the spirit!

W But that’s only after feeling far too fine the evening previous. Are these bugs, our bees, our friends forever as well? (she flicks an imperceptible insect from her shoulder cloth)

M Of course they are. Don’t you know these insects are dying back home. 

W No, I wasn’t really all that interested in the day-to-day, average goings on with your non-European insect. Your choice not mine. 

M Entire species of buggeries are disappearing. You know about the bees, of course? (laconic?)

W I’ve been B-listed, myself, maybe on more than that single occasion.

M Very droll. No, honey, honeybees natural sweeteners, sweetness. Sweetness is disappearing from our very lives. 

W Our very hives. One might say. 

M Now the human palate is becoming acclimated to white sugars and any artificial sweetener, we can no longer appreciate the subtlety of honey. We only appreciate the blast furnaces of the white and the artificial.

W Picky, picky, picky.

M No. Hear me out. Do I care if some son of a shopkeeper in Sheboygan settles for a sweet sugared rather than a honeyed? 

W Of course you should, snookums. Sugars a no-no.

M Correct. 

GOODEATS

FIN

(leave audience wanting more)

 

HOW PETER BRESCHARD AGAIN SAVES 

HIS PARTICULAR UNIVERSE

by Peter Breschard

Box Office moxie

Sunny side of life.

Title Card

Better buy BROWARD BAKED BEANS, you betcha!

BO - have this old guy who probably was going anyway, maybe, Home, family, grandkids. We all know the script.

BROWARD BAKED BEANS, YOU BETCHA!!! 

Well this wheezy Congressman decides his home and families need him more than the great people of this great, the great Congressional District, great people. Not kidding, the really great, great people of this beloved District of ours. 

Well let me tell you right here and now:

Behind me. 

Behind this very curtain. 

This curtain!!!

POINTS TO CURTAIN

There’s a fella who you all know and remember as I do. I remember when he was at the helm of this ship. He steered our boat through many a storm. Now you can think anyway you, anyway you want to about this man but you have to admit, at the very least he’s the kind of criminal who can be aware of the certain limitations placed upon us all. 

BETCHA THAT’S BROWARD BAKED BEANS, YOU BETCHA!!! BET!!!!!

You are certainly free to feel anyway you want about the man but I couldn’t think of a better, more qualified person to follow in my footsteps. 

Size 10 to be exact.

INTRODUCING!   ----- 

Animated Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearst Club Band type thingee.

Did Sergeant Pepper own the Lonely Hersh Club?

Heartless

“May I introduce to you?” Allow me to introduce myself.

No. No. No. No. Wrong card entirely. Sorry, wronged teleprompter. 

HEARS THE PLAN PEBBLE

Ha! Teleprompter? Ha! I’m working here on paper with ballpoint like the primitives do. Whacka do. Whacka do. Back to the reason we all be here. 

Might I, might I, might I tonight introduce to you? Tonight! Right now! Might I introduce to all of you the next Representative for own beloved, beloved District... You know him well. Well, The Once and Future Representative.... you know him so well .... Mr. .... THE... 

THE ONCE AND THE FUTURE! 

Put the man in place in this time of need! This time of need. Who else you got? 

THAT’S BROWARD BAKED BEANS, YOU BETCHA!!

To be or not to be? That dear Sancho, is the question. No, my Don, that is a windmill. 

THE ONE. THE ONLY. THE ONE WHO NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION 

MR. SMOOTH 

MR. SOMETHINGOROTHERELSE

THE FORMER AND THE FUTURE

(You think you’ve got everything. Don’t you? Don’t you? 

Of course, I don’t. That would be a flaw.)

Might I introduce to you now, our darling District’s next and future Congressman!

Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for it.

Our future Congressman! Our former President!

Mr. President

I give you, Barack Obama!

It’s the maths and most certainly do not leave it to the lawyers. Maximum in office two years. Reverse jitsu. Probably, maybe, who cares? Take it to the Black Robes (and you guys call yourselves Catholics? And Reformed!) By the time there’s a ruling it will be time for him to clock out.

And how exactly do you expect that to work? 

We elect him to Congress. Gets into office. With new Democratic majority he gets the Speaker of the House job without breaking a sweat. And that takes care of one problem. 

But that’s just one problem Only a single step.

One down. Two to go. 

One to be followed by others. This can work. You have to have Hope!

Hope! Finally Hope! Once again peace will come to our valley! Once again the birds will sing and the stacks not smoke! There were times I thought the Ogre would never leave! But you have brought the joy of peace to our people!

No. No. No. No. Stop what you’re doing. Please, just stop. Really immediately.

Why’s that, wisenheimer?

He wants us to lose. He’s with the Ogre! Help! There’s an Ogre among us!

No. I want all of us to win, and for the Ogre to win a free, all expense paid trip to Saint Barts for him and the rest of his entourage. Where they will spend the rest of their days in a gated community where they can recriminate one another for the rest of their days.

BROWARD BAKED BEANS

Should we stop doing what we’re doing? Replacement might save the entire world. Not that it’s like we’re wasting time or anything like that. 

Let’s get moving on this. We don’t know who he is.

What if I were to tell you there is a better way. What if I were to tell you that I have seen the light and the light it is good!

Seen the light have you? OK we were just wrapping up for the day here. Thanks for stopping in.

Wait. Wait. Sometimes I forget you aren’t as happy as I am about this. That’s because you haven’t seen the light. You don’t have to run him.

We sort of do. 

If you think somebody has to be a Representative in the House of Representatives to be the Speaker of the House of Representatives, how wrong you are. 

My mama told me you better be a Representative in the House of Representatives in order to be anointed the Speaker of the House of Representatives.

“You Better Shop Around”. Right?

Absolutely.

Finally got one.

Moving on. It seems when consulting ancient scrolls the Wise Woman of Oke Mostly discovered a long forgotten papyrus indicating that the House of Representatives can crown anyone they feel like, on any given Sunday, the Speaker of the House of Representatives and all environs therein.

So, we don’t have to pay off that Congressional asshat?

Nopey Dokey. You most certainly do not. After you take control of the House, the Representatives therein bejewel Barak Obama with the Speakership of that there House and in thereby doing present him to the great American public as second in line for the Presidency.

President. Vice President. Speaker of the House (you know who). President Pro Tempore of the Senate. The list goes on. 

That’s just one problem.

One problem overcome without unnecessary shenanigans. 

Which leaves us with two other problems. 

The heir apparent resigns.

That easy?

That easy. Some people will be living amidst the American people for, hopefully, an extended period of time. And as we all want everyone to get along as joyfully as possible, the Vice President will resign. To “promote the general welfare”. Anything else is unimaginable. But, that particular aspect of the arrangement is really not my department.

We’ll have to think about this.

Of course. I would certainly hope so. A possibility being offered. Bet I know your next question.

THAT’S BROWARD BAKED BEANS, YOU BETCHA!!

And the imaginary Big Kahuna?

Thought you would never ask. Big fat Kahuna wins a free, all expense paid trip to Saint Barts!

And if they don’t want to go? 

Who wouldn’t like to win a free, all expense paid trip to Saint Barts? Anyone turning down a free, all expense paid trip to Saint Barts is quite unimaginable. He will be proffered an offer which any rational human could not possibly refuse. Again, not my department.

Don Quixote?

Not really close. So there you have it.

I don’t know. Seems too easy.

Nothing is ever easy. And for good measure it’s legal as Spiegal. How’s that for direct mail?

BETCHA THAT’S BROWARD BAKED BEANS, YOU BETCHA!!! BET!!!!!

With any luck Peter Breschard will be back next week to all the beans and to help save another of his universes. Same time. Same channel. See you all next week!

And thanks for all the fishies!

FIN

MR. WILSON AND DENNIS EXPLAIN IT ALL

Yeah 

we’re good 

let’s go for it 

Well imagine if you were Chinese government officials

thinking about the future of their country

and they chat among themselves

hey

We’re importing oil 

we’re sending all this money to Saudi Arabia the United States and Russia 

and you might say they’re fascist countries or worse

no no no no no that’s not going to work we got to put a stop to that

so these government guys got together

all sucking up to the chairman by saying

it’s all about what’s the best way for things to go for China 

You know that’s a very nuanced course 

what people don’t appreciate it that this enormous country 

which has been an oil importer 

for many, many years now 

they all agreed that not having to pay out all that money for oil and gasoline 

from countries like Saudi Arabia, and Russia, and the United States

might be very good for China

 at least that’s the way some people think 

it would be better if they kept all that money and recirculated within the Chinese economy

There’s other folks in the Chinese government who think 

you know we gotta worry about this climate change threat

Some people say that’s the biggest threat to everybody 

so we have to do something about planet but another voice is heard 

We have to, you know, get better jobs for people 

on things and quality of life 

Get them some good work 

keep the people occupied and happy and 

you know 

dedicated to helping make a better China

So that’s all good 

And then they decided to go alternative energy on all of the oil guys 

and they build and they manufacture and everything else that’s green

Boom 

suddenly China is no longer sending you all that moolah 

Saudi Arabia or the United States or Russia 

you know the big oil exporters 

suddenly the oil companies lose the biggest automobile market in the world

sure 

China has the largest automobile market the world 

that’s number one there 

So China goes crazy with electric cars 

they’re really buying those Teslas 

and starting to manufacture their own brands of EVs

early on they even promoted hybrids as a preliminary step

and what have you 

and that’s all well and good 

you know shipping out less money to the oil companies is better than shipping out more money 

And then they figured out how to get rid of the hybrid model,  where you put the gas in, in case your battery runs out

I’ve never been able to figure hybrids out 

basically you have two completely,

 well, let’s say redundant systems 

so the Chinese came out early in favor of all electric cars 

And then they came up with their own idea 

We build the cars ourselves we build them better 

and we sell recharging like they sell gasoline

pull up and swap your battery in three minutes

Guess the oil nations will need to do something to make up for all the money they've lost

the song of the algorithm 

from dawn’s true blue

to night sounds of content

I ride the algorithm

somewhere, unknown, but familiar

soaring through scores of 

sounds and images

like timely updated images 

of covers

of what once were magazines

I ride the algorithm

something once touched

a day, a year, a century, whenever

from a past forgotten 

but only by myself

never for this singer

I hear the song of the algorithm

those forgotten are remembered

past grudges clicked past

voices it assumes 

share something

but

remember

this is but another

horse performing Hamlet

once the oddity becomes a norm

a simple question remains

but can this algorithmic pony act?

I pan the world of the algorithm

....pjjb

 

DAY ONE OF RECOVERY

by Peter Breschard 

One of three men perched on the grammar school's small stage smartly lifts himself from his seat to address the gathering.

Welcome to MAGA GONE. You can call me Richard and I'd like to extend good wishes to all of the first-timers here today.

Richard raises his arms, gesturing either a wide open welcome, or somebody just kicked a field goal.

Give yourself a hand!

The group neither enthusiastically nor unenthusiastically applauds.

Yes, all of you, give them a hand!

Hands. Hands. And even more hands. It's virtually a reunion of Dutch Cousins.

All of us, I guess, we're about 35 or so here tonight. There's quite a few more than the usual number of newcomers this week. Understandable that.

All us old timers know what it's like stepping through these doors the first time. It can be a frightening experience. This is one hell of a decision you've made. We know. We've been there. We know. So welcome!

Again with the "Good Kick" signal.

You first timers are the bravest folks I've seen all day! Welcome!

Stand up and let us all take pride in you!

Richard encourages all of the newcomers to rise and they stand up. Count nears a dozen. Many nod, appreciating these warm welcomes.

All right. As you probably already know, this chapter of MAGA GONE, Make America Great Again But Just Don't Tell Anyone How We're Doing It, meets right here every week at 7:00 on the dot.

Of course we discourage tardiness but we also know life goes on outside this room, so, do your best to get here on time. But know you'll be welcome whenever you arrive. You've got enough to worry about without worrying about us.

A smattering.

Good. Now just settle in.

We've got coffee and some snacks in the back and the restrooms are, well, just follow the signs. Or the cosines. Not to go off on a tangent. Or anything like that.

Some small smutted groans.

Right. Sorry. Yeah, the jokes get worse every week but at least they all add up.

No rim shot. No rims.

No more Math, Rich.

Scattered calls from audience. Your call. Feature an identifiable face isolated from the rest?

Well thanks. That's just about sums it all up.

A gentle almost silence.

Anyhow let's get down to the business of what we're doing here. Why we're all here. And will probably be here for a while.

WE FUCKED UP

WE LISTENED AND NODDED

WE LET IT ROLL ALL OVER US

WE ACCEPTED BY NOT OBJECTING

Silence with a cleared throat. Too much?

And if you have any doubts as to why you're here, remember how much you, and maybe whoever you live with, contributed to the shit show we're all living through right now.

Some approving noises.

Thank you. And thank all of you for coming tonight. We've got a lot of work to do. A lot of cleaning up. Harry, the floor is yours.

Polite recognition and general agreement. Mumbling? Or clear verbal responses?

Hey guys, You can call me Harry and I've been with MAGA GONE for over 5 years now.

I gave up on the Chump and the rest of his clown show after he'd been in office about a year. Took me a while to connect to this group but I sure am glad I stayed looking for others who'd also tossed their little red caps into the trash. Reminds me of Mao's Little Red Book, but that's something else entirely.

Let me give you my reasons for being here.

Harry has the group's attention.

NUMBER ONE: let's start with something I think we agree on. Just about all government officials and politicians in powerful positions are crooks. Maybe there's one or two out there who isn't getting rich off the public dime, but they're rare. And a lot of us are here because we realized there is a big difference between a cop getting a free lunch at a diner and the children of their "lord and savior" on Earth's daughter and son-in-law getting billions of dollars from the Saudis. Just a little bit of a difference. A couple of billion. We all know that, but some still haven't realized what it means. Telling your barber to take a little off the top is a whole lot different than having him shave your head bald.

Mostly attentive silence?

NUMBER TWO: Which leads into my second point. There are way too many MAGA extremists. There are way too many of them willing to execute members of my own family who had an abortion. You know it's true. These folks are rabid. I mean it's one thing to post something online, it's another thing altogether to fire bomb a city because you think there's too much litter. MAGA is just too full of way too many crazies. Damn they are dangerous. Owning a rifle is one thing. Owning a couple of dozen machine guns and the makings for a bunch of IEDs is another.

A couple of "you bet brother"s. And possibly a woman's voice is heard. Yes/No?

NUMBER THREE: They claim to be all pro-American and America first and all that but MAGA leaders will sell out to foreign interests for a dollar. It takes a bit of time to realize just how much all those MAGA corporations are basically controlled by foreign oil money. Hell, the oil companies themselves are pretty much run by Middle Eastern money. The MAGA leadership wants corporations, foreigners, to control this country. MAGA's leadership has been bought and sold to those foreign aliens I don't even know how many times.

Preach.

NUMBER FOUR: Life isn't professional wrestling. It's ain't the WWE. Village idiots shouldn't be in positions of power. You know it's fun watching everybody throw chairs at one another on a Saturday morning but you also have to know when it's time to hire somebody to pick up the garbage once a week, you don't want somebody whose skill set is knowing how to beat their own chest, throw chairs into the ring, and scream and cuss at their opponent. Choosing somebody who's done the job, or at least something like it, before should be taken into account before hiring them. It's our goddamn tax money they're throwing away when they put total incompetent a-holes into places they have no place being.

NUMBER FIVE: We're not racists

Amen to that, here and there. Or something less religious?

Democrats talk down to people. Trump told us lots of horrible shit but he never called us or our family "deplorables". It sure is real easy not to like Dems. But...

But pardoning cop killers? I know this was the last straw for some of you newbies here tonight. Cruds who beat up cops trying to protect the Congress? Are they frigging kidding? If a bank guard dies from a heart attack after a bank robbery the same way those cops did following the attack on Congress, those robbers are prosecuted for murder. The maniacs who broke into the Capitol should be tried for murder the same way anybody is if someone dies while they're committing a crime.

Serious applause? Stunned silence?

We're not racists. Not the way people think. Sure maybe we're not found fond of blacks. We don't like ghetto shit. Boy. But it's more like we don't like different shit. We were raised with white people, for the most part. So we're used to the white way of doing things. Hell, I've only had jerk chicken once in my life. It's the strange that bothers us. Black, brown, yellow, most of us don't care. As long as you don't serve food that's not steaks, burgers, and all the fixings. And we don't mean to get any more bad off financially than we might already be. Keep the cheap seats away from us. Poor people of any type probably want what we already have.

My mother's older brother, my uncle Phil, didn't get shot and killed fighting Germans so some foreign punk can stand next to the President of the United States and act like he's the richest Nazi who ever lived. Take your heil Hitler salute and shove it where the sun don't shine, you little piece of shit.

Applause and some whistling. One or two"Fuck 'em"s.

Here's Jake.

Harry sits down

Usual response.

Jake moves to center stage. Microphone or no?

Both parties are wasting our time on insignificant shit like checking passport boxes for sex orientation. Only 17,000 people a year are affected by that. 17,000 out of something like 350 million. That's one out of every 20,000 people. Why are they wasting our time? Both sides screaming constantly about little crap. Wasting our time on something so insignificant and at the same time in our country and around the world it's the hottest ever. I want my grandchildren to live in a world where the temperature is under a hundred degrees all the time. Who gives a flaming whatever if somebody you will never meet checks some stupid government form?

I'm old enough to remember when Los Angeles had the worst smog outside of India. We fixed that pretty much even when the oil companies said smog was bull hockey.

And all this abortion crap. We know we're not going to have our 14 year old daughter have a rapist's child. Ain't going to happen. No way. It's time we came to decisions like that and let other folks know how wrong they are.

We're tired of people thinking it's all our fault. It isn't. Most our families weren't in this country before the damn Civil War. We couldn't have owned slaves.

Our families worked their asses off just to stay alive. Like everybody else's families. Maybe we got helped a little more than most but we never had any say in all that. We're working like everybody else.

Just give me a slice, a beer, and let me watch the game on a big screen. What's the matter with that? I know it's not that simple. But all the money is going into the hands of people who just want to keep us down and us never looking up to see how good things actually could be.

This is America, damn, and the people taking our money aren't the people who have nothing. They really are not the real threat. It's the people who already have it all and just want more and more and more who reach into our pockets and take what they want.

I hope no one in your families ever gets real sick and the hospital expenses just wipe you out. I've seen it. I've been close to that being me. It's bad news. And Black Rock and the rest of them just make more and more cash for each one of us who just dies before the insurance companies shell out to pay for your real needs. I don't know. I don't know. Thanks.

Jake sits.

More enthusiastic or more sympathetic responses?

Rabble roused or hearts touched?

Richard stands.

Remember, we don't want you to do anything rash now that you've come to understand what MAGA really is. We've heard stories of guys, mostly guys, who realized what idiots they've been. How much harm they've done, and they've gone to either hurt themselves or blown up a building or something really stupid.

No, Sir.

None of that here. None of that. And if you ever get to feeling like, like you want to hurt yourself, or hurt something else, or somebody else, you just pick up your cell and call that number we gave you when you walked into this auditorium.

That's why we're here tonight. We're here to help each other get through this and maybe help some others along the way.

Remember there's coffee in the back.

Half stand. Some begin quiet conversations with their neighbors. Small groups?

Richard.

Well, we've been here a while and you old timers know how to make the newbies feel right at home. So anybody else have something to say?

Public silence? Private voices.

OK. Then coffee and snacks in the back, like I said. I know some of you guys will be heading over to the Roadhouse later on so that's about it.

Some from the group leave the auditorium.

Next week same time same place

We'll all help America be great again but this time without MAGA.

Have a good night folks.

Close or continue?

END

WHERE’S LAURENCE HARVEY NOW THAT WE NEED HIM?

Take today as an example. Did the nine-to-five without breaking a sweat or breaking into song, so that’s a victory. Had a fine dinner and later as I was sprawled out on the couch an odd assortment of concepts congealed into something somewhat frightening.

They really don’t need him anymore.

“There’s no way he’s going to be this organization’s Presidential candidate.” Beppo had control of the room. “As a matter of fact, there are many of us who consider him an extreme liability. More than anything else, Americans hate horse thieves. And they really, really will fire the wrath of God on a, lying, horse thief. And a whole bunch of our people are seeing him that way now.

“Let’s face it, he’s had his run. It’s time to turn this fucking limping, screeching, obnoxious liability into the best kind of asset we can.”

“How’s about he sicks it out? Comes down with malaria or something?” Kitchen appeared lost in thought.

“Definitely considered. Definitely. His royal fatness, I am sure, hosts numerous ailments which might do him in at any moment but, although illness would very well turn this situation into an asset, we think we might have a way to eke out even more mileage from the old boy.”

“Inheritance baby resigns and anoints another?” Glastonbury intoned the obvious.

“You know Fats isn’t gonna go for that.” Ripper snorted while straightening his tie.

“We have discussed this. As was mentioned, it’s never going to happen. Knowing full well that if you don’t win your fate will be much more dire than losing an election for some boondock mayorality, you know he’s not bowing out. He’ll fight on to all of our detriment. Allow me now to share the thoughts of the committee.

“You all know I am a fan of old movies. Listen for a minute or two.” Beppo smiled and eyeballed his notes.

“Now here’s how it happens. And might I say here that most necessary elements for this endeavor are already in place, patiently awaiting their time.

“The committee has spent many months reviewing any number of plausible scenarios. We do our darnedest to cover at least the bare minimum of possibilities. These particular circumstances were guesstimated very, very high, and this scenario is the culmination of our best efforts.

“All would come to an end soon after our clown emerges victorious at the convention.

“This past Tuesday an outspoken transsexual, whose outward appearance is that of a woman, was brought in by our men and is currently under, let’s say, heavy sedation until that time when it will be needed. That’s Number One.”

“They don’t by any chance happen to know each other, do they, Beppo?” Kitchen again.

“Actually I’m not privy to such detail. Compartmentalization, they say. I’ll bring it up. Back to it then.

“Number Two is ex-Iranian military. Ranger type or at least their equivalent. Sharp. He’ll be fallback in case something goes totally astray but we imagine more beneficial outcomes if our primary, Number One, takes the fall.”

“Will any blues be injured?” Wall was always concerned about her troops.

“Not if everything, or at least most everything, plays out the way we think it should. Only one fatality on site.”

“Will any friends be there?” Kitchen was leading this inquisition.

“Three, I’m telling you, three of our people will be on stage with him. Couldn’t believe it when they told me. Three.”

“Out of how many?”

"Mostly the rest of the family. Some high ranking media echoers. Like I said, three, getting into position should be relatively a bit easier.

“Logistics, transport, local enforcement, already in place.

"Still working on a go signal. Certainly a minor issue. His roundness doesn’t read very well so we can’t use cue words inserted into his victory speech. I’ve tried and failed to imagine how much blather that would be but, as some might say, words fail me.”

“Is he that much of a liability? I always considered him moderately amusing. Does it have to come to this?” Rayon decided to make their presence known.

“Our research, and unanimous consent of committee with their considerable experience, say yes. He has to go in a way most beneficial to our organization. Research sees him as a loser and his name alone costs the down tickets almost everything. With him gone, in our maximalist fashion, we will still lose the big one but the harm to down tickets will not be fatal. It’s do or die time.

"Sometime after the nomination and toward the beginning of his acceptance speech, we don’t want it to be at less than five but no more then ten minutes. If it were up to me I’d be as close to five as practical. Who needs listening to his shit more than necessary?”

“Is Tip Top here tonight or are we going to have to wait until morning to get the picks? “

“Wait until morning. The markets will be just as open for business as they ever are. I’m told none of TipTop’s tips are particularly time sensitive.”

“I’m guessing Number One will encounter some heroic blue and not-survive?”

“Covered in, what do they call it? GSR. Gun Shot Residue. Which will match the weapon used by Number Two.

“Number Two will be found dead, somewhere little known and far away, within the week. Another knotted end.” Beppo grinned.

Continuing: “Two shots. Clean. Head. Chest. Suspect dies in firefight with our courageous blues. Any further questions?"

“And I’m assuming one of our three friends on stage with him will jump in and, cradling Fat’s volleyball of a head in their arms give a speech for the ages.” Oddly, Kitchen actually said this with a wide smile.

“Absolutely. You’re getting it. You’ve seen the movie. This will be a speech the Committee has been working on for nearly a year. Just in case events like those we now have might occur. At the end of the speech with the babbling, drooling, dribbling, dying candidate’s head in the new candidate’s arms, the entire country will be moved to tears and we might as well enthrone our speechifying friend as the new POTUS then and there; bloodstained battered but ready to defend our United States of America! Vote for Me and god bless America!

“And finally. And finally after all of these years. She will, as she cradles our fat, inane martyr to her breast and calls on America to avenge this attack on Christianity and our Homeland, Sarah Palin will, after all of our blood, sweat and tears, become the next President of Our United States!

by Peter Breschard

Take Pride In Your Right to Arm Bears

There are thousands of faceless heroes out there on the Internet and on the airwaves. It’s about time they came forward and claimed the recognition they so justly deserve.

These brave soldiers battle for their and others’ freedoms each and every day. When events occur which will forever justify their labors, they are all too often forgotten while the spotlight shifts to other more easily accessible subjects.

Still they sit at their keyboards, or call in to their radio programs, or attend their rallies. But now things have certainly changed. It’s time for all of you who have worked so hard, to get your own special brand of recognition. It’s time for you to come out and take a bow. It’s time for all American citizens to see who you really are and to appreciate your life’s work.

Step forward and claim your just rewards, all you fighters for easy access to weapons of mass murder. You are truly the unsung heroes of the slaughters in El Paso, Texas, and Dayton, Ohio.

For years you have fought against any law which might have caused the killers the slightest inconvenience in obtaining their instruments of death. “There must be no impediment for mass murderers in obtaining firearms!” you so loudly proclaimed. You cited one section of the Constitution so often that many forgot the rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. All important must be the ability of those chronically deranged to obtain weaponry with the ability to tear through the flesh of their fellow citizens in as rapid a manner as possible.

You are truly those chosen by the Lord. 

Shout it from the rooftops! Put ads on TV! Be a guest of FOX News! Let the world know that you were the ones who helped grease the path for the killers to take so many innocent lives! Let the country know that without you and your constant battle for easy access to weapons of war there quite probably would never have been these massacres! You have stood up for your version of the law, and who cares how many lives have to be snuffed out in the process! El Paso and Dayton only prove your point that America needs guns in the hands of the deranged in order to be safe and free!

Shout it loud that you few, you happy few, you band of brothers, have fought long and hard for the rights of the homicidal to purchase assault weapons so they can rip apart the bodies of children, women, and men as they go about their everyday lives. 

Take pride in how you work for free for those who profit greatly from the manufacture and sale of machines whose sole purpose is to end life.

Your brilliance should be celebrated by the world. Feel no guilt for the many murders you have aided and abetted. Take pride in the blood in the streets. 

You are a true work of genius. 32 bodies were added to your list in recent days. You should feel such pride. Let no court accuse you of depraved indifference.

Where would we all be without patriots like you?

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AND THEN WE WIN

It’s been a while since I last put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, or chisel to rock, but at the moment I think I might have something to say. Usually I try to write about the moral depravity of corporate Democrats, but since Chump has placed his orange ass all over this country, making jokes about those in power has been so easy just about everyone is doing it.

For a change I will not indulge in my dentured biting satire and tell all of you how to finally get Medicare for All passed. 

STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW TO PAY FOR MEDICARE FOR ALL

Theories about how to divvy up money are like assholes, everyone has one and they all stink. Once the Republicans and corporate Democrat hacks start talking about money, you’ve already lost the battle. You’re talking about meaningless economic theories which leads to a Tower of Babel from where you will never return. Leave money out of the conversation.

HERE ARE THE TALKING POINTS TO WIN EVERY MEDICARE FOR ALL DEBATE

#1) BODY COUNT

Approximately 59,000 Americans died during the Vietnam War.
Since 2014, the first full year of the Affordable Care Act, until now, academic studies have estimated that between 90,000 and 200,000 Americans have died from a lack of health insurance or from inadequate health insurance.
So, in the last five years almost two to four times as many Americans died from the for-profit insurance industry as Americans died in Vietnam.
Medicare for All would have prevented all the deaths from these causes.

#2) GUILT

If you oppose, or do not fully support, Medicare for All, you must bear your share of responsibility for those Americans who will die because they remain uninsured or under insured. Approximately 30,000 of your fellow citizens will die this year and all following years for these reasons. 
If you oppose Medicare for All you must bear responsibility for your words and actions.
Medicare for All will bring to virtually zero the number of these preventable deaths.

#3) WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?

The problem isn't paying for Medicare for All, the problem is 30,000 Americans needlessly die each year because we don't have it.

#4) DO YOU KISS YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT MOUTH?

What kind of a human being are you if you let 30,000 Americans die each year rather than support Medicare for All?

#5) YOU ARE GUILTY AS SIN AND YOUR ASS IS GOING TO HELL

In opposing Medicare for All you are actively keeping Medicare for All from preventing the preventable deaths of 30,000 Americans each year. You, and people like you, bear responsibility for these deaths. Hope you have a good night’s sleep.

#6) IF YOU DON’T LIKE WHAT’S ON THE MENU, GO EAT SOMEWHERE ELSE

If you have a better plan for preventing the preventable deaths of 30,000 Americans a year, I'd like to hear it. And how many people will unnecessarily die every year from preventable causes if we go your way?




And that should shut them up but good.

These are the talking points. Go get ‘em, kids. Watch those idiots squirm.